Monday Fungos: Cubs First Quarter in Memoriam
Ah, Memorial Day, that traditional point at which the baseball season feels either one-quarter over or three-quarters remaining. It just depends on your attitude toward fractions. Me, I’m generally a glass-half-full guy toward them, unless I have to divide two fractions. Then I totally smash the glass.
So far, we’ve learned a bit about these Cubs, but probably nothing that will be on the final exam. That’s because we dangerously expect making the playoffs. Even more dangerous: so do they. So as they hunt for that switch to flip, let’s enjoy the holiday with another week in Cubs funny.
- The ever-accountable Joe Maddon took full blame for Cleveland’s two-game sweep at Wrigley. He said seeing all those Indians road uniforms again snapped him prematurely into playoff managing mode.
- When I watch a stadium full of drunks sing “Take Me Out To the Ballgame,” I often wonder how many don’t know they’re already at a ballgame.
- Speaking of which, we’ve learned one unnamed Cubs reliever may have a drinking problem. A waitress at Casey Moran’s leaked the following spray chart (see right).
- Fans might boo Tyler Chatwood’s short starts less if Maddon named him the team’s “starting closer,” á la Tampa’s Sergio Romo.
- Despite a .412 OBP, Tommy La Stella has just nine starts. His one request to management: Protect him with safety netting like any spectator in a field-level seat or he’ll sue.
- If the Giants’ oldies act doesn’t rebound soon, GM Brian Sabean is threatening to book them on the county fair circuit.
- Baseball nailed former Cubs catcher Welington “Beef” Castillo with an 80-game suspension for PED use. How was he caught? Snagged at customs during a routine USDA meat inspection.
- People make fun of Buster Posey’s acting in his TV commercials, but no one delivers the Brady Bunch bland like he does. Even his behind-the-scenes insights trigger narcolepsy.
- Breaking news: Cubs bullpen coach Lester Strode has called “fake news” on the above spray chart. He said it simply shows one of his pitchers practicing his bullpen-celebration dance while urinating.
- And last but not least…